14 October 2005

Air Canada sucks

Air Canuck will be charging for the use of pillows and blankets, according to this Reuters story.

Gone are the warm blankets and fluffy pillows, to be replaced by inflatable cushions and thin rags, supposedly as a cost-saving measure.

What's next, you ask?

- Passengers will be provided with pedals under the seats. It will be billed as an effort to provide in-flight exercise. In reality the pedals will power the fan blades in the engines so the plane can fly. There will be no charge for the service. Air fares will increase.

- Short-haul flights will stop pressurizing the passenger compartment in an effort to save money. Passengers will be told it is a modern way of traveling so that you arrive well-rested and seemingly younger thanks to the cryogenic properties of airline's passenger environment. The reality is passengers will black-out from oxygen deprivation once the aircraft climbs past 12, 000 feet above sea level and come close to freezing as the air temperature plummets.

People who need to stay awake and work on the flight will be able to purchase a blanket for CDN$2 and lease an oxygen tank at CDN$2 per minute. They can also purchase a stylish oxygen mask which they can take with them as a souvenir.

- In a further effort to cut costs, Air Canada will introduce self-serve cabins. Taking a cue from northern service airlines using flying culverts, Air Canuck will now ask passengers to pass around a garbage bag filled with Coke and Pepsi by the can.

- On selected routes, passengers will be fired from a large cannon designed originally by Gerald Bull. In the photo at right, a lucky passenger departs Charlottetown airport en route to Toronto.

His luggage was fired immediately after...to Winnipeg. Airline officials blamed the problem on a mistake in loading the right amount of powder.