Showing posts with label humour with a disquieting sense of veracity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour with a disquieting sense of veracity. Show all posts

30 May 2011

Other campaign music: Brian Tobin

Popular music is something of a fixture in political campaigns, both fictional and real.

“You are my sunshine” and “Man of constant sorrow” turn up in O brother, where art thou? during a Pappy O’Daniel’s campaign.  Franklyn Roosevelt used “Happy days are here again.”  Harry Truman naturally liked “I’m just wild about Harry.”

Closer to home, there was a tiny bit of comment about the use of popular music by local campaigns.  Kathy Dunderdale entered her coronation to a song by Alecia Moore – Pink – that featured the lyrics:

I got lot of style, check my gold diamond rings
I can go for miles if you know what I mean

and

I'll be burnin' rubber, you'll be kissin' my ass
Pull up to the bumper, get out of the car
License plate says Stunner #1 Superstar

This past weekend, the Liberal organizers decided to use Trooper’s “Raise a little hell” as the music for Yvonne Jones’ walk-in music.

So that got your humble e-scribbler to a thinkin’ back to other songs that might have been used by political campaigns.

What better place to start than with a song that seemed to sum up former Premier Brian Tobin’s tenure but that was, of course, never used?  The Tobinator never seemed to settle into the province.  From the day he came back in early 1996, his attention always seemed to be replacing Jean Chretien down the road a piece. Tobin freaked out at anyone who suggested things weren’t great during his reign. it seemed that he wanted desperately to have a successful term as Premier to use as a notch on the old resume if he ever tried to move into 24 Sussex.

And when Tobin kept his federal leadership fund-raising going and called a second general election only a couple of years, it seemed like he never let the family unpack the moving boxes.  You know.  Because he could never be sure just when he’d have to leave suddenly and go back to where his heart really lay.

Which is of course what he did in October 2000.  Only Danny Williams – Brian seems like a test drive for Williams’ style in hindsight - left office in a more unseemly haste.

All of that is why it seemed Tobin should have used another Trooper song as his theme:  after all he was here for a good time, not a long time.

- srbp -

28 May 2011

Tiny Tories love their leader: Danny Williams

He bailed in an unseemly haste before Christmas last year but the province’s young Conservatives are still wildly in love with the Old Man.

tempypclogo

Yes, it is a hideous picture, hideously stretched but if you look hard enough you can see that the banner of the Young Progressive Conservatives’ website features Hisself right there in the centre.

Centre of their picture.

Centre of their universe.

The front page includes this line:

Newfoundland and Labrador under the leadership of Danny Williams has seen great benefits but this is only the tip of the iceberg.

Each member of the provincial Tiny Tory executive gets a page to himself or herself.  Part of the template is a section on why they support the PC Party and Danny Williams.

mcmeekin

They all have their reasons. 

These days past president Chantalle Hull works in Premier Kathy Dunderdale’s office as a receptionist but on the YPC website here’s what she thinks:

I not only support Danny Williams because he is leader of the PC Party, but also because I believe that he has the interests of the people of Newfoundland and Labrador at heart.

Not everyone is as certain.

One director at large exists only as a picture. 

Everything else is blank.

blank

Now to be fair to the young Conservatives this site was laid out in 2009 and evidently hasn’t been updated since.

But still.

After last fall and a massive party make-over, you’d think all these young enthusiasts for Dannyism would be able to spare a couple of minutes from their non-stop tweeting to pull their website up to date.

You’d think they’d be super anxious to get behind the Dunderdale2011 Party as the key to securing their current paycheques even if they cannot summon up the same lemming-like yearning for Danny’s successor that they once had for the Old Man’s derriere.

Maybe they’ve just been too busy.

Let’s hope that’s it because if Kath got any sense that her young Dunderbunnies weren’t full of Dunder-love there’s no telling what she might do.

After all, look at how she treats Danny these days.

- srbp -

16 January 2011

Iceland opportunity lost

Danny Williams’ obsession with signing something he could have called a Lower Churchill deal before he quit politics ignored a far better opportunity for Newfoundlanders and Labradorians.

According to documents released by Wikileaks, the Icelandic government sought American financial assistance in 2008 to deal with its crushing foreign debt situation. The government was looking for a loan of $1.0 billion with “medium term maturity”.

The Newfoundland and Labrador government had twice that much in cash at the time as the result of gigantic oil price windfalls.  It also had the capacity to borrow billions more if needed. The Icelandic loan would have guaranteed payoff from the interest rate charged.  An Icelandic bailout might also have given the provincial government influence in Iceland and the country’s energy and fishing industries.

Instead, the Williams administration pursued his obsessive desire to develop something on the Lower Churchill river that would enable him to retire from politics.

Under Williams’ retirement plan,  the taxpayers of Newfoundland and Labrador will have to borrow almost three times the size of the Icelandic bailout and face guaranteed doubling of current electricity rates to finance a dam on the Churchill River and expensive transmission lines.

- srbp -

10 January 2011

Kremlinology 29: Easybake Tories

Kremlinology has always been a series about trying to interpret signs to see if they can point out what is going on behind the scenes in politics.

In the case of recent monumental changes on the provincial political scene, though, it seems that the signs are unmistakeable even to someone with no political sense at all.

To get your head in the right space, recall that when the Tories lost a by-election in late 2009 – one, single political sideshow – the shockwaves rippled through the province like someone had whacked the jello. The surest sign of the anxiety within  the party? 

Tony Ducey, DBA Tony the Tory, wrote letters to every newspaper in the province saying that the Tory party was not dead. Who said it was even sick at the time?  Well aside from your humble e-scribbler.  All jokes aside, there really isn’t a person on the planet who would have suggested, even in jest, that a single belch of indigestion is a sign of a fatal heart attack.

The first clue to the big problems in the Kingdom of Dannystan was Tony’s denial of problems triggered by what was essentially a non-event. One by-election loss does not usually trigger the Gotterdammerung but apparently Tony was petrified that it did.

As everyone knows, much has changed in the meantime and many such tiny traces of evidence pointed to problems.  Some of these clues were unmistakeable.  The most obvious one of all happened last fall when, in the space of a week, Danny Williams went from being the guy who was poised to sweep to a third term as premier to being the guy standing third in line behind you at Canadian Tire.

Turns out that some Tories don’t believe in such obvious signs of resignation as…well…someone saying good-bye.  The rumour running through Newfoundland and Labrador last week was that Danny had actually not quit and run at all.

Nosirreee, Danny had some undisclosed personal business to deal with.  His resignation, His Christ-like admonition that we should all love each other and Kathy Dunderdale as Hisself loved Hisself’s children was merely a way of saying “Hang on, my duckie, this is really a big joke.  I’ll be back once I’ve tidied up a little mess.”  Once that was done, safely from the eyes of the evil news media, he’d come back.  Like maybe around May and then he’d be ready to kick ass and take names again.

That story is everywhere. 

Your humble e-scribbler heard it around town on Friday and got it in e-mails from several spots in the province and outside it.  As comforting as that thought may be to some, and as much as some might like to imagine that Elvis isn’t stone-cold in the ground these decades or that the Gloved One will return, let us be abundantly clear:

Hisself is gone.

That sighting last week in the Confed Building likely has some sensible explanation but rest assured, this is not some script for 22 Minutes again.  Danny is the ex-premier and not likely to be back.

Speaking of rumours – and Lord knows they have been all that most people passed around this Christmas -  the only rumour not flying around the past couple of months has been that Hisself is about to get a semi-permanent guest spot on Doyle with the possibility of a spin-off next season.  in that scenario, Danny would play a former politician slash lawyer slash saviour of the universe who rights wrongs from his office in a converted movie theatre where the roof collapsed. He’d have a couple of sidekicks from his political days and another couple from his legal days.  Think of it as a cross between The Mentalist (the saviour and sidekicks angle), Slapshot (comedy and the jock angle) and Hell’s Kitchen (the histrionics).

The rumour that he wants to go federal is not as much of a joke as it first appears.   You can find evidence of it in a year-end telegram interview in which he insists that his attacks on “Quebec” are aimed solely at Hydro-Quebec, not the lovely people of that province.  And, as Danny claimed in the interview, he always has to qualify his comments so people don’t misunderstand. 

Always qualify. 

Yeah, right.

As far as federal politics is concerned his anti-Quebec tirades make him radioactive but that doesn’t mean he didn’t harbour a few delusions about replacing Steve.

In any event, Danny is gone.

He is not coming back.

The intense and wildly-varied rumour market is a sign of nothing more than the gigantic shitbake that is gripping the province’s Conservatives.  And this latest one is the most bizarre of all.

Think about it for a second. 

If their story is true, Danny would be pulling a turn-around even greater than that pulled by Joe Smallwood in 1969.  The old bugger retired and then, in the middle of the leadership campaign to replace him, announced that only he was worthy enough to succeed himself. 

He launched a comeback and defeated all comers, including John Crosbie.

What’s more Danny would be going against his own mother’s wishes for him.  She did tell reporters, after al,l that she would shoot him if he tried to run again for anything other than the bus.

And Danny’s mom, it should be noted, used to drag her crowd door-to-door to get rid of Smallwood and the Satanical spawn he led.  How friggin’ cruel would the universe be to have Danny come back into politics against her wishes and do it in a way that shows more raw ego than Joe Smallwood. 

What a savage twist would it be to have that sainted woman discover in her declining years that her favourite son is merely the meat-suit for her worst political enemy’s political soul?  metallicarIf you see a ‘67 four-door Impala on Duckworth, you know you have tuned into a new episode of Supernatural. Sam and Dean will be looking for the season-ender to top last year’s season-ender:  the Apocalypse. 

Danny coming back a la Joe Smallwood would bring on something like the Apocalypse. It would certainly make his mom’s head spin around a few times.

Might be good TV though.  Gordon Pinsent could guest star as the ghost of Peter Cashin with Mark Critch as the young, pre-possession Danny. Kevin Noble could play an actor torn between his love of Joe and his love of Dan. There’d have to be a news release on Monday from Terry French announcing provincial government funding to support production of the series which will relocate from Vancouver to St. John’s. Plan is to build on local experience of a TV series shot in St. John’s and starring an old car.

Once you get past the shark jumping tale, though, there is another bit of speccy running around in some Tory circles as well that is worth having a laugh at.  That has to do with the reason for backroom deal currently playing out before our eyes. 

Apparently, Tories are sticking with Dunderdale because she is the status quo and that’s what everyone wants.  Everyone loves Danny.  Everyone loves things the way they are – the polls show that -  so the way to ensure victory in the fall is to keep things just the way people love them.  Think of this as a variation on the Danny:  Resurrection storyline since it derives from the theory that Danny is the key to any future Tory victory. It just confuses Danny with the party.

At least it has the advantage of being consistent with past Tory rationalisations.  Here’s the second paragraph of Tony the Tory’s letter from 2009:

Still, before anyone says that this is the beginning of the end for the PC party in the province and that the tide is turning towards the Liberals, it is not. It's far from it: the PC party is still in the 70s in the polls and have over 40 of the seats in the House of Assembly.

The only problem with this story would be the facts.  Even if we accept CRA polls as being anything close to real, their tracking of Tory party support is not encouraging. The party has been tracking behind its former leader.  In the most recent version, the party support continued the downward trend it’s been on since 2007.  In fact, over the past six months, the party support numbers went up but then dropped  dramatically in just three months.

If the Tories are keeping Kathy Dunderdale it is not because people want more of the Tory same.

No.

They are keeping Kathy because people in the Tory backrooms are scared shitless at the thought of a nomination fight. They are so scared of any nomination contest that they will use any and every excuse to justify the current charade, including claiming that it is nothing more than what the Liberals have done. If that’s the sort of lame-assed stuff they are coming up with, stand by when it turns out that Danny did a few massive give-aways of his on resources, by the by. 

But that, dear friends may turn out to be the least bizarre thing to happen in this year of massive political turmoil in the province.

- srbp -

17 December 2010

A political blade edged with the sharpest sarcasm

A line from a resolutely partisan source within the past 24 hours, noting that in the two weeks since Danny Williams high-tailed it, the provincial Conservatives have managed to settled two nagging public sector labour disputes:

Imagine how much they could have done if Danny left seven years ago.

Williams resigned on December 3 after seven years as Premier.

- srbp -

16 December 2010

23 October 2010

Quoteworthy

“Blogging’s like sex cos: to do it well u need to do it frequently, really enjoy it and take careful note of feedback.”

Tweet by Paul Waugh, deputy political editor at the London Evening Standard, quoted in a post at Left Foot Forward.

- srbp -

14 October 2010

Campaign Sign, Two

The picture.

The missing caption:

“Can every camera get a clear shot of me?  Those people on the other side of the room can’t see me.  Can someone tell that old guy to sit down and STFU? At last I am getting something close to the recognition I so richly deserved from the beginning and tried so hard to achieve.”

The faces say it all.

- srbp -

13 October 2010

Pudding is for afters

Those known to purr sweet nothings about the Old Man's rear have a new claim.

A book ostensibly about the Old Man's 2004-05 feud with the federal government for more transfer payments is - as voice of the cabinet minister claimed this morning - the fifth best selling book in the country. You can find the claim in other places, no doubt, but the Great Government Oracle of the Valley spouted that one this morning.

Curiously enough, this book does not appear at all on the Canadian best seller list printed by the Globe on Wednesday, October 13.

The Number Five book on the Globe and Mail's own soft-cover best seller list for non-fiction is a book titled A heartbreaking work of staggering genius.  While the title may fit with Bill Rowe's own view of his latest magnum opus, this is not the book in question.

For some bizarre reason, a memoir by the original provincial ambassador to Hy's is listed on the Globe's hardcover non-fiction page.

The book has a soft cover.

Oh well.

Significant chunks of the book are fiction as well but that didn't stop them from listing it there either.

In any event, the book that was six months in the living and five years in the writing is listed with titles that seem oddly appropriate:

  • Shit my Dad says is Number 6.
  • Even silence has an end is Number 4.
  • Assholes finish first is Number 3.

A book might be known, one thinks, by the company it keeps.

- srbp -

28 September 2010

Cringeworthy 2

Via Globe gossip columnist Jane Taber, what turns out to be a surprisingly perceptive appraisal of the Old Man’s latest foray into semi-pro television humour:

He also learned how to say a couple of other choice phrases in French: “Miss, miss,” the Premier says, waving his hand impatiently while his seatmate, a little boy, looks quizzically at him. “I’ve got a question. How, how do you say, ‘Quebec is getting away with highway robbery’ in French?”

In case you were wondering, this is a joke. Mr. Williams is a guest on CBC’s comedy show, 22 Minutes, Tuesday night. But it’s not very funny; it’s cringe-worthy.

Good thing the Old Man wasn’t thinking of a leap to federal politics when he finally hangs up the local crown.

Maybe by then Mark will be looking for a replacement.

- srbp -

17 August 2010

The Tory Tao of Political Pork

For members of the Reform-based Conservative Party in Newfoundland and Labrador, road paving is done in an electoral district.  Sometimes, the release refers to an “area” but the name for the area is curiously the same as the electoral district. 

Take this one for example, even if the headline makes it sound like the program in Torngat Mountains gave the money instead of got the cash.

Torngat Mountains Recreation Programs Provided $15,565

The media release will include a quote from the local representative of the Reform-based Conservative Party. In the one cited, the member turned out to be a cabinet minister.

In another release, the reference is to the Southern Shore, but the district of Ferryland covers pretty much the whole thing.  The locals would understand the two things are synonymous.  There is the obligatory thankful quote from the local Conservative Party member.

But if the cash is going to a district represented by an opposition member, any references to the district or anything that might be construed as the district get obliterated.

Take, for example, this release about money for the district of Cartwright-L'Anse au Claire.  It’s represented by Opposition Leader Yvonne Jones. Money for that district is going to the area around Pinware.

The only quote is from the transportation minister.

All government spending is partisan pork for Tories.

That is their eternal, unchanging rule.

- srbp -

16 August 2010

When it sucks to be you

What else do you need but a website that takes trendy, hideous business jargon and translates it into plain English?

You know the garbage-words and crap phrases.

Things like “on a go-forward basis”. 

Pure drivel.

So run it through the grinder at unsuck-it.com and this is what you get:

On a Go-Forward Basis

We will be leveraging core competencies across the enterprise on a go-forward basis.

Unsucked: In the future.

Some of you might be surprised to find out that “on a go-forward basis” means nothing more grandiose than “in the future” or “from now on.”

Others of you are no doubt wondering why some people use jargon quite so much or why it is that politicians like to use gobbledy-gook when there are perfect simple words available in English that everyone can understand.

And then there are the people who work for those politicians who will be thankful there is a website that spits out this shite so they don’t have to do the miserable job any more.

Don’t say your humble e-scribbler didn’t try and help you all out.

- srbp -

13 August 2010

A campaign against typos in the Untied States

Your humble e-scribbler* brought you links to the campaign against typos back when it happened in early 2008 all as a way of segueing into a riff on some local typographical errors.

Well, now the duo who traipsed around the United States of America armed with sharpies and a grammarians sensibility, are the proud authors of a book on their adventure.  The title is the Great Typo Hunt.

Typos are a scourge, as regular readers of this space know all too well.

Typos also manage to creep into federal grant applications:

Are their opportunities for the private sector to generate revenue by delivering ancillary services to the public?

Maybe there’s public cash available in this country to develop software that would check for typos.  There’s got to be provincial cash for something like that.

Such an innovative idea.

Surely.

- srbp -

* corrected typo

23 June 2010

Government of Newfoundland and Labrador Hiring Test (Communications Director)

The provincial government is looking for a few new communications directors.

Standards are high.  Not everyone can do the job.

The public service commission is under such pressure to find enough people to meet the stringent criteria set down by the Premier’s Office that they’ve had to simplify the qualifying exam.

Gone is the intensive two stage examine, including a written test, before the list was passed to the Eighth for selection.

According to the latest internal e-mail circulated last week – and obtained by your humble e-scribbler – public service commission examiners are to place two objects in front of the candidate.  They are not allowed to say anything. They must merely observe what the candidate does.

See if you can figure out how to pass the test.

Object 1:

Ball-Centre-Door-Knob

Object 2:

polishing cloth

-srbp- 

05 June 2010

Famous Comments by Telegram editors

1892:  ‘I’m certainly not buying any argument the city will burn to the ground.”

1894:  ‘I’m certainly not buying any argument that the country is bankrupt.”

January 1934:  “I’m certainly not buying any argument that the country is bankrupt.”

1969:  “I am certainly not buying any argument that this is a bad deal with Hydro-Quebec.”

1988:  “I am certainly not buying any argument that this cucumber factory will be a big waste of money.”

2009:  “I’m certainly not buying any argument that government spending is unsustainable.”

2010:  “I am certainly not buying any argument that the Premier should tell us he is having heart surgery.”

2010:  “I’m certainly not buying an argument that the provincial government expropriated the mill, even by mistake.”

2010:  “I’m certainly not buying any argument that NL simply botched its case.”

Plus ca change, as they say.

The tradition continues (read the comments section).

-srbp-

03 June 2010

Enviro minister trades with the enemy

Sometimes it’s hard to know which is funnier:  environment minister Charlene Johnson’s repeated attempts to be arrogant and condescending even when she is completely shagging up or her admission that her answer to the mounds of used tires in the province collected under a recycling program is exactly the same answer used by her Liberal predecessor.

I can get the exact details for him on the cost for shipping to Quebec. Certainly, under their failed attempts in the past that is where the tires went as well, so I imagine it would be somewhere in line when you had to ship them to Quebec as well. Mr. Speaker, shipping tires to Quebec is certainly, we know, the cheapest option for the tires.

Yes, folks, the tires are being shipped to Quebec.

Charlene Johnson is trading with the enemy.

-srbp-

26 May 2010

Don’t mention the war

It could be an episode of Fawlty Towers.

Then again mentioning Germans and industrial development in Newfoundland and Labrador is more likely to conjure up images of the numerous colossal failures of the Valdmanis/Smallwood industrialization program from the 1950s.

The Germans are coming to central Newfoundland.

As natural resources minister Kathy Dunderdale told the House of Assembly on Tuesday:

I am happy to say that we have had an Expression of Interest from Germany last week, principals in, looking at what we have to offer in Central Newfoundland. We are very hopeful about that prospect, Mr. Speaker.

Well, maybe.

Outside the House, though, Dunderdale was somewhat less enthusiastic.  As the Telegram reported:

Outside the House, Dunderdale told reporters the company was a reputable pulp and paper company.

But she cautioned people in the province — especially those in central Newfoundland — not to get their hopes up.

Dunderdale said even though the company has seen the former mill and gotten some information about operating a pulp and paper operation in this province, it’s too early to tell if the company will submit a proposal to set up shop in the province.

That’s pretty much the state of things in central Newfoundland these days where the provincial government keeps insisting its expropriation of Abitibi assets was not a disaster yet has a hard time proving otherwise.

There are Germans coming but no one should count on them.

Such a bizarre concept:  perfidious Germans.

It’s like the shifting definition of “assets”.  In December 2008, the assets were the hydroelectric generating stations and the transmission lines.  The rights to the land and the timber leases all reverted back to the provincial government anyway once Abitibi stopped making paper.

Fast forward two years and the assets now include all the land.  As Danny Williams put it on Tuesday:

By way of example, and this is a very simple example, the land that we recovered, the land alone that we recovered for the people of Newfoundland and Labrador - forget the water rights, forget the timber rights - is three times the size of Prince Edward Island.

Of course, as Williams knows, the water rights and the timber rights  - as well as the mineral rights he didn’t mention – are what make the lands themselves valuable.  Their size is irrelevant.  The fact he is now citing them as assets to offset liabilities for environmental damages is likely to turn up being used by Abitibi’s smart lawyers to further demolish whatever defence Williams and his apparently not-quite-so-swift lawyers try to fend off Abitibi’s claims against the provincial government over the expropriation.

This danger – that his words will colour the legal action -  is something Williams is acutely aware of, of course, since just before he identified the land as an asset he cautioned New Democrat leader Lorraine Michael that “anything that I may say in answer to that question would only help the Abitibi case in the NAFTA dispute.”

So he carried on and gave them something just as juicy to use against him. 

This is the essence of this entire matter:  a hasty decision followed by bungling, then excuses and then unsubstantiated claims.  Laced through it all is the lecturing and condescension from the premier and his ministers.  none of that really comes off, of course, since the entire gaggle of them have shown they have a very tenuous grasp on most of the facts of these matters themselves.

Here one need look no farther than the hydroelectric assets which people have been led to believe have some means of generating cash for the provincial government or, more particularly, its energy company. 

Turns out that, as Dunderdale told a legislature budget committee recently, there isn’t enough demand on the island to warrant generating power from these hydro sites.  Meanwhile, on the island east of Sunnyside (on the Isthmus of Avalon), there is demand.  Unfortunately, the existing transmission lines are at capacity.  NALCOR has no plans to add more transmission capacity unless the Lower Churchill goes ahead.  As a result, the central Newfoundland hydro assets won;t be shunting power to Long harbour and the Vale Inco smelter. That is going to be powered by, among other things, the Holyrood thermal generating plant and its oil-fired generators.

So much for closing Holyrood as a public policy goal.

So much too for fears the hydro assets would benefit the whole province rather than keeping them tied to central Newfoundland.  Some people thought that the cash from the hydro power would be a nice nest egg for economic development. They were concerned about the benefits flowing outside the region.

Once upon a time, back before the rest of us learned of the mill expropriation fiasco, the provincial government refused to tie the hydro assets to local economic development funding in central Newfoundland. As industry minister Shawn Skinner put it:

“However, as with any investment, the collective impact on the province as a whole must be measured as these resources are provincially owned."

Well, now that everyone knows there really isn’t any use for the hydro facilities – and hence they have no revenue-generating ability at the moment – the provincial government is going back to its old line that the hydro assets will be used to lure potential new industries to the region.  As Dunderdale said in the House on Tuesday:

Mr. Speaker, we are not writing off Central Newfoundland. We may not have an industrial customer at the moment looking for that power, but that day will come, Mr. Speaker. When that day does come, we will have the assets to do something with, to drive economic development in that part of the Province, Mr. Speaker, once again.

Assets are not assets. 

Non-assets are, in fact, assets.

There are Germans, unnamed but apparently respectable, but they can’t be counted on to deliver the goods.

And we predicted everything but couldn’t predict disaster, which of course it isn’t because the current situation is the one we foresaw after examining all the potential outcomes, but we didn’t really foresee it at all. The whole thing is unfolding as we knew it would but in completely unpredicted ways. 

basilJust imagine the mess if we hadn’t done what we’d done to produce the mess in the first place.

And for God’s sake, don’t mention the war.

In next week’s episode, more hilarity ensues.

-srbp-

19 May 2010

The World The Old Man Lives In (larger picture)


Click on the picture to get a new larger version that's easier to read and enjoy.

Yes, it really is all just a gigantic conspiracy.
-srbp-

17 May 2010

Reach for the Screech

In a couple of weeks time, the Memorial University political science department is holding a reunion.  The thing is timed to coincide with the spring convocation.  A bunch of alumni will be there, none of whom has written – as best as your humble e-scribbler can determine – what we used to joke was the definitive doctoral thesis on local politics.

The influence of rum on Newfoundland public policy.

That was the working title.

screech rum On the surface, it would be a piece about the triangle trade and especially the exchange of salt fish with Caribbean countries in exchange for that magical elixir.

But on the more cynical level it was supposed to be a work that noted the number of times local politicians made decisions that seemed – in the cold light of morning – as if they’d been tanked up on the dark liquid at every stage from the moment the idea popped into someone’s head until someone scrawled the last  signature across the last contract.

Rum, it would seem, played a role in a few of the more colourful events in local political life.  Elections sometimes turned on the number of swallies doled out in the right districts. Fistfights in the legislature sometimes came complete with their own aroma – essence of the captain – to cover over the smell of blood and snot on the curtains behind the Speaker’s chair from the odd poke in the snoot one gave another.

Heck, so pervasive is the rumoured connection between politics and the bottle that the current Premier – the Old Man Hisself – could not help but make a half-joking reference to it.  That was back in 2004, incidentally, in an editorial board meeting with the crowd at Macleans. 

But while tippling on the job fell out of favour a few years back, few would blame the current crowd were they to ever to be found seeking comfort with a reach for the Screech. 

After all, they have not had a good political day in the better part of a year:  Resignations, the stunning loss of a by-election, public finances in a mess, caught frigging with the 1961 Churchill falls lease and then forced to hold an emergency session of the legislature to clean up the mess of that, the shagged up expropriation of Abitibi’s polluted properties, pollution reports they tried to keep secret.

And still no Lower Churchill.

The finest undeveloped hydro project in North America, as the Old Man likes to call it.  The phrase is getting a little shop-worn by the way, since it was first called that way back before the provincial government nationalised BRINCO in the mid-1970s. 

40 years later, still undeveloped but still the finest.

Once said to be Hisself’s legacy project.  Staying until it as done, he said.

But now things are so dark that even Hisself apparently doesn’t like to talk about legacies anymore.

Don Martin, still desperate to see his 2004 “Harper wins majority” headline used as something other than a joke, took a trip to the far east to chat with the Old Man. The account of the visit – or a least the sampling of the local heart-stopping cuisine – is in the weekend National Post.

"I hope my own legacy -- which is a stupid term but it's in vogue so I'll use it -- is that we can keep this feeling of pride and respect and self-confidence, that we're as good as anybody else.

"For the longest time we were perceived by Canadians as second-class citizens. Those who knew us knew it was bum rap, but it was an overall perception that's changed dramatically. When you've got young people from other parts of the country coming here, not just for an education but also to stay and work, it shows we have a real good future."

There it is:  Williams wants to be remembered for something he didn’t do.  Williams has nothing to talk about except a throne speech from five years ago:

This is a speech which claims credit for finding that which was not lost. It praises the lustre restored to that which had not been dulled. It lauds the cleansing of that which is not sullied. It remembers what was never forgotten. This speech sings hymns of praise to its authors unhindered by modesty or fact.

Williams chose to call his 2005 hand-out from Ottawa the “Atlantic Accord” and not surprisingly it is often confused with the real accomplishment of the same name done by someone else 25 years ago.  It shouldn’t be surprising he now wants his legacy to be claiming credit for something Newfoundlanders and Labradorians never lacked:  confidence in their own abilities. Forget what others thought.  Self-confidence and ability is something the people of this province have always had, in spades.

But look at Danny Williams’ comments in this Martin column and you can see the state of affairs almost eight years after he took office.  We need to be masters of our destiny Williams says, or more like it: masters of our domain as a budget speech two years ago put it.  “Need to be”, as if we aren’t now and never have been.

Again with the false goals.  Newfoundlanders and Labradorians have always been masters of their own fate.

The problem they face today is that as they roll up on the end of the period Williams used to say was the time frame for his plan to take effect, things are not looking all that good.

The local economy seems more dependent than ever before on public spending.  The Conference Board of Canada predicted last week that the provincial economy would grow by 2.4% in 2010 based mostly on public infrastructure spending. But the government budget last year was short by a half a billion dollars, one of the largest cash deficits in the province’s history.  The forecast is that it will be short again by at least that much, if not more. If growth depends on the public purse, then this province is in for a hard time any day now.  

Williams came to office promising ”jobs, jobs, jobs” that he would create based on his proven ability as a local businessman. A new department – with the creative name “business”  - sprang up to to channel his genius. 

After a couple of years, no one  - least of all Danny - had any idea what the department was supposed to do.  Scuttlebutt had it that his own deputy minister couldn’t get to see him for months on end. The only thing that piled up were claims about how many files from companies sat on someone’s desk.

By the time someone figured out what the “plan” might look like, Williams had long since handed over his own personal department to first one and then another and then another of his ministers. Other things needed the Old Man’s attention more urgently than did his own personal department.

valdmanis_550 The “plan”  - as the successors finally hit on it in 2007  - would be to hand out free cash to any company that would come here to do business.  The only thing missing from this revolutionary, never-before-seen concept was the Latvian crook to run around clicking his heels together with a snappy “Yes, My Premier” at the prospect of yet another rubber boot factory or eyeglass plant.

Not content with just that bit of genius, after threatening expropriation a couple of times and then finally doing it to no fewer than three companies, the current crowd put in authority over us have so fouled the investment climate in the province that they cannot even pay companies to come here and create jobs. 

Think about that for a second.

Out of $75 million budgeted for the give-aways since 2007, the business department has handed out only $14 million of it.  Some went to set up a marine service centre in  a land-locked town. Half the cash they did dole out went to a company – itself a descendant of the Latvian legacy – that promised to add 50 jobs but instead cut nearly twice that. No word if they’ll still get all the cash.

The Tories said “no more give-aways” but somehow this doesn’t seem to be what they had in mind.  Things have changed on many fronts, alright, but not in the way people might have expected.

The government backbenchers don’t talk so much any more about how great things are across the province.  Their speeches in the legislature these days are more likely than not great homages to their glorious leader.  They offer paens to his posterior that seem to be either laying the groundwork for his departure -  he is, Martin tells us, “mindful of being closer to the end of his political career than the beginning”  - or coded, panic-stricken pleas for him not to shag off permanently to the new digs in Florida. 

It’s likely been a bit jarring for the poor dears to poke their heads out of the fog of their prepared Open Line talking points only to discover that they are not – in fact – just coming up on the New Jerusalem as foretold in the speaking notes;  they are in fact currently midway up shit creek and none of Danny’s potential replacements appears to know where he keeps the batteries for the GPS, let alone have a clear idea of how to work it.

And that original eight year plan, the one it took them four years just to figure out?

Even that has changed:

But that's just the beginning of his 30-year plan to harness offshore oil and gas, wind and hydro electric power into Newfoundland's shield against buffeting by external forces.

It’s enough to make anyone reach for the Screech.

-srbp-